In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you spend your time doing something other than throwing #WeinerGate on the end of all your Tweets.
This week's column takes us to Vashon Island, where the waste of breakfast treats isn't taken lightly.
Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll
Perhaps you've seen or heard about this story by now. It's the kind of occurrence local news is made for.
According to reports on Tuesday by Meg Coyle of King 5 News, a local Department of Transportation ferry worker is currently on administrative leave pending the outcome of an investigation into his alleged speeding, road rage and wastefulness (specifically of a delicious breakfast treat). Though the man was not on official duty when the alleged transgression occurred, the Department of Transportation takes the waste of delicious breakfast treats very seriously.
According to King 5's reports, Vashon resident Tom Schiller commutes to Seattle for work, and says that over the last few months he'd grown tired of a seeing a white Honda every morning speeding through downtown and recklessly passing other cars. In fact, Schiller was so fed up he decided to videotape the car using his phone.
This, not unpredictably, appears to have irritated the driver of the white Honda. Although, in truth, the King 5 report doesn't exactly make the string of events particularly clear, it just cuts to the next scene. ...
And why wouldn't they? Because the next scene is the driver of the Honda getting out of his car, irately charging up on Schiller's vehicle and smearing what King 5 identifies as a cream cheese Danish on his windshield. (Just send the Pulitzer now!) The Honda driver then storms back to his vehicle and speeds off.
The end? Of course not.
Perhaps emboldened by the confrontation, Schiller decided to continue pursuit of the man while also attempting to clear his windshield of Danish. (Our guess is local authorities wouldn't endorse this tactic.) He confronted the alleged Danish smearer again at the Vashon Ferry Terminal, and was again met with harsh words from the man (if only because he was out of pastries).
In a leap that once again the King 5 report fails to make particularly clear, as it turns out the angry Honda driver is ACTUALLY a Department of Transportation ferry worker - directing traffic on and off the boat - which Schiller noticed (as his camera was rolling, it appears ... ) while pulling on to the ferry that morning.
The story comes full circle. Schiller and the nemesis Danish smearer actually cross paths every day! How crazy is that!?!
Well, they used to cross paths every morning ... until this happened.
Now they're both just two bozos on the news. - L.L. Klitteng, Danish Related Crime Correspondent