In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something to do other than tweet sonic boom conspiracy theories.
This week's Ragnet takes us to Tacoma's North End.
Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll
Lately I've been watching a lot of TV. And let me tell you (though you probably already know): TV is a goddamn wasteland. The stuff rots your brain.
But, chances are you're already hooked - like the rest of us. It's not your fault. It happens. The important thing to do is come to terms with it; living a lie isn't good for anyone. But more importantly, you should look on the bright side, and appreciate the fact that your TV watching habits clue you in to 73 percent of the jokes contained in Ragnet.
According to reports, a prolific pair of garage-gougers may have been taken off the street Monday, Aug. 23. Shortly after 5 a.m., police received a 911 call from Tacoma's North End. There, a neighborhood resident reported seeing a man with a large light going back and forth from a neighbor's garage. When the witness called out to the man, he fled - and the alert citizen called the cops.
After notifying authorities, the neighborhood resident continued his upstanding, neighborly ways and alerted the owner of the garage in question. Sure enough, it appeared his garage had been violated, so he too called police after inventorying the premises.
Strangely, or perhaps aptly (as criminals are rarely known for their smarts), while the victim was taking stock in his garage, the suspect (and another man) returned to the area. However, their stay was short lived as they jumped into a vehicle and attempted to flee when the police arrived moments later.
But they didn't get very far, and were soon taken into custody. A headlamp was found in the vehicle, and the driver was identified as the man seen going to and fro the garage earlier.
Despite an apparent lack of smarts, the two men taken into custody by police - both in their early 40s - are believed to be major players in the world of garage burglary, having hit garages in Tacoma's North End all summer long. Police estimate the dynamic duo may be responsible for as many as 30 to 40 burglaries this year, and referred to them in The News Tribune as "prolific garage burglars." We did some checking, and that is as high as one can rise in the world of garage burglary.
According to police, the two men arrested have been under investigation in relation to the string of garage burglaries, but up until Monday police had been unable to prove their involvement. The duo's MO involves cruising Tacoma's alleys, "day and night," searching for open doors and stuff worth stealing. According to the Weekly Volcano's questionable reporting, their list of favorite stuff includes lawnmowers, blowers, weed whackers, push brooms, flathead shovels, antique bicycles, conjoined-baby bassinets, vintage croquet sets, Victorian-era yard floozies, mint condition Steampunk water chestnuts (canned), turn of the century checkers and anything made by Coca-Cola.
They're like Tacoma's version of "American Pickers". - TV Humphrey, Television Tangent Crime Corresponden