Dear Mr. Vernon, 

We accept the fact that we had to give up an entire day to spend it with you.  But we think you’re nuts to make us tell you which restaurants in the South Sound we like.  You can think of our culinary tastes what you want, in the easiest terms and the most suitable classifications.  But we know that each of us is an experienced diner.

Brain: Smart eater.

Andrew: Sports bar nut.

Allison: Dinner for one.

Claire: Four-star foodie.

Bender: Junk food eater.

Does that satisfy you?  No?  OK, here’s what we think. — Brian Johnson

BRIAN RALPH JOHNSON

the brain

I prefer my food with a view of something interesting. I’m more the flare gun toting, frog in the pocket, homework completing foodie you’d probably expect me to be.  I am also a comfort foods sort of kid.  Don’t tell Bender, but my mom makes mac and cheese from scratch — just the way I like it.  When I’m not sitting around the dinner table with my family discussing my day, however, I’m with them at one of these mind-bending places.

 

Steamers at the foot of Sixth Avenue in University Place (8802 Sixth Ave.) is cool because not only do they serve fish and chips but I can search for sand crabs when I’m done eating — The place is right on the beach in the shadow of the Narrows Bridge.  Interestingly, the Pacific Sand Crab also goes by the name Emerita analoga. Steamers serves both fresh and fried seafood along with fries, coleslaw and salads.  The fish coatings are more on the cornmeal side than the greasy batter kind.  My dad also orders a beer, if my mom lets him.  Oh, and Steamers is right next to the train tracks, so the 509 Amtrak Cascades flies by just feet from where you eat. I love it when it blows its horn.

 

Grassis on Pacific Avenue in downtown Tacoma (1702 Pacific) is a little frilly and afternoon tealike, and I’m sure Bender would hold me down while Andy gave me a rug burn if they knew I eat there, but nothing says Mom and a museum like this place.  I can always get a decent sandwich and some chips while my mom orders some quiche or a fancy soup.  But, the best part is there are three museums within walking distance: The Tacoma Art Museum, The Washington State History Museum and the International Glass Museum. 

 

At the Antique Sandwich Co. (5102 N. Pearl) I can order peanut butter and jelly on whole grain wheat, which my mom likes, but it’s also within walking distance of all of the neat things at Tacoma’s Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium.  There you can see a South Pacific reef with sharks while the nocturnal house has naked mole rats, which always make my sister giggle, and fruit bats.  The Antique caters to vegetarians and health conscious people, but I still like it.

 

Wagner’s Bakery in Olympia (1013 Capitol Way) serves the best treats in the South Sound, and it’s where we always stop after a day exploring the Washington State Capital Museum and watching the Legislature in action.  I love the Black Forest cake while my little sister always orders the black and white cookie.  Wagner’s has three glass cases packed with donuts, sweet rolls, cookies, cakes, pies and other treats — all amazingly beautiful to look at.  It makes my tummy gurgle just thinking about it.

ANDREW ‘ANDY’ CLARK

the athlete

Legally, I’m not supposed to walk into sports bars, but with the fake I.D. Bender made me and my experience sitting around watching my dad and his longshoreman buddies during Monday Night Football Game parties at our house, I think it’s safe to say that I know what I am talking about, dude.  When I grow up there will be two places I’ll eat — at home, where my wife will cook my dinner, and at a sports bar.  

 

The Ale House Pub and Sports Bar (2212 Mildred St. W., Tacoma) has a television in practically every corner — nine in all, one of them a big screen and three right in a row.  Those are excellent odds. Ale House lives up to the sports bar mantle, showing all sports all the time, mucho sports memorabilia crammed on the walls, and a massive bar with 63 kinds of beer on tap and plenty of booze, which I enjoy when I’m not in training, of course. The sports memorabilia here include autographed photos of baseball, basketball and football stars including Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Yogi Berra and Pete Rose. There aren’t any wrestling photos, but I don’t hold that against them.

 

Oh! Gallagher’s Sports Pub (7304 Lakewood Dr. W., Lakewood) has three 8-by-10 big screens and seven small ones!  They serve breakfast on the weekends from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m., so you never have an excuse to miss the early college and pro games.  Bender might like the fact that they also host rock bands Thursday through Saturday, but I’m just there to watch the Seahawks go all the way. Go Seahawks!

 

Q’z Sports Lounge and Restaurant (9807 224th St. E. in Graham) is the holy grail of sports bars. Q’z is big — like my pecks.  Q’z is concert hall big with high ceilings and a stage below the stairs for cover bands to sing hits off Huey Lewis’ Sports album. For those who don’t desire a grand entrance down the huge stairs as Claire demands, you can enter the lounge through a lower back door — past where Bender is lighting one up.  You can also always count on NASCAR commanding at least one of the three big screens.

 

Frankie’s Sports Bar (3663 Pacific Ave. S.E., Olympia.) is mostly about sports on its many televisions and everyone in the poker room.  Poker is not my game. I can’t hit anyone, but it’s typically packed with those looking to strike it rich.  This huge joint has televisions scattered all over, including a huge big screen in the middle.  Pool and darts are a bonus.

 

The Ram Restaurant and Breweries (multiple South Sound locations) are the granddaddies of the sports bar world in Tacoma and Lacey.  They brew their own pints, and the action is always centered around the games on television.  To make things even more interesting, The Ram also has special nights, like my favorite, Foxy Boxing Thursday nights in Puyallup and Saturday nights in Lakewood.  The hamburgers are named after state sports teams, and the servers are always telling me “if you were just 18, I’d ... .”

ALLISON REYNOLDS

the basket case

Food depresses me.  It sits there on the plate staring up at me, mocking me.  I know what it’s saying: “Hey, Allison, why bother to eat? We’re all going to be annihilated by the Bush machine anyway.”  There’s no point in going on when our own government can’t help us.  We are floating on a sea of uncertainty.  That’s why I choose places where no one knows me — where they can’t hear the voices in my head.

 

I can sit in the Star Trek-like swivel chairs and pretend I’m Spock while nibbling on pickled veggies at 3 a.m. at 13 Coins by Sea-Tac Airport (18000 Pacific Highway S.). The famous 13 Coins offers tasty 24-hour treats to appease your nocturnal appetite; there’s about as much light in there as you’ll find in my glove compartment. Breakfast, lunch and dinner featuring Joe’s Special, bucket of clams, chicken parmigiana, steak Sinatra, baked halibut, eggs Benedict and so much more. Dinner is pricey, but breakfast and lunch are not bad.  The portions are huge — just like the demons in my head.

 

It’s funky and well worn; I guess that’s why I like Galloping Gerties (Union Avenue and Berkeley Street) in Tillicum.  I also appreciate a place named after a bridge that fell even though we were told it was safe (I’ve heard that one before). Gerties paints the perfect diner picture.  Waitresses hustle around, swarming through the fairly full café like cheerful bees (I hate that part). Older men sit in clusters, nursing coffee and silently appraising the scene. Soldiers fuel up for the day. It’s typical American diner fare with a full menu for all three meals and plenty of Atkins diet options.  Breakfast doesn’t disappoint, like some people I know.

 

I like Harbor Lights (2761 Ruston Way) because they make the stiffest drinks in the South Sound. This waterfront restaurant’s portions are so huge not even Old Ishmael would have room to eat an appetizer. It fills my empty soul. Enough said.

CLAIRE STANDISH

the princess

It’s not that I think I’m above anyone, but with my extensive background in fine dining, I can’t help but gravitate to places that serve four-star meals.  Don’t hate me because my palate is beautiful.  If you want to catch a glimpse of me around town, I recommend hanging out around the entrances to these places:

 

Highly recommended for their fresh seafood selection, I find C.I. Shenanigan’s (3017 N. Ruston Way) is one of the few places that actually lives up to its hype. The inside is polished and clean, just as it should be. Ocean views are relaxing and can be entertaining during summertime, what with the yachts going by and all. Their scotches are quite good. Daddy lets me sip his when Mummy’s not around. The waitstaff is competent for the most part, but sometimes they’re too busy to give proper service. I love the C.I. Shenanigan’s Sampler with firecracker salmon rolls, ginger glazed, pan seared filet mignon tips and coconut prawns. Who cares if it costs almost $20 for an appetizer? My family’s rich. I’m entitled to eat what I want, right? It’s really more of a place for my parents’ age group, though, or maybe for my little brother’s 2nd grade graduation party in a private room.

 

Daddy takes his clients to Stanley & Seafort’s (115 East 34th Street) for lunch because it impresses everyone. From their wine selection to their service, this fine establishment does it right. Anything with crab involved is the way to go, be it seasoned crab cakes, crab and herb stuffed halibut or tenderloin topped with Dungeness crab and béarnaise sauce. I rather enjoy the warm brie crusted with macadamia nuts. Their prime rib is so tender, juicy and moist. It must come from the rock salt roasting procedure the informative waiter once told me about. The lettuce in their salads is always crisp. The desserts are the absolute best things ever. Serving freshly ground coffee with dessert is the way it should be done everywhere. I love sitting after dinner contemplating the view and the city below. It’s quite breathtaking. I do not like that they allow small children to eat there.

 

Using produce, bread, coffee, seafood and poultry from local farms, shops and growers is definitely top quality conscience actions of the owners of Primo Grill (601 S. Pine Street). I only want the best and finest things for myself, and I assume everyone else does, too. Primo also offers monthly themed cooking classes taught by knowledgeable chef/owner Charlie MacManus that even someone as young as I can understand. The décor is all about art and energy just as the menu is about choices and creativity. The staff here knows exactly what they’re talking about as they guide you through the many options and help you settle on an exquisite combination of greens, meat and wine. I don’t mind talking to them at all; they are that pleasant. Primo Grill is a place I can go with my friends for good food, correct service and not be bothered by riffraff off the street.

JOHN BENDER

the criminal

Let’s just say I eat out a lot. The parental supervision and at the Bender household is not quite up to par with the Cleavers. Wally and the Beav live in a feakin’ Disneyland ride compared to my house. The last time my mother cooked for me was Thanksgiving, and I had to take the wrapper off the tray.

For those in the same predicament, I’ve combined this crystal clear roster of grub sites around T-town to chill out at while their father sleeps off another fight with the old lady.

 

Little Holland Drive-In (5008 Center Drive, between Tacoma and Fircrest)  is the perfect place when you have the munchies. The burgers and mountains of fries are served straight from the grill and drip with grease. But the food only goes so far to make this place my joint of choice.

 

Well, it’s my second joint of choice since my first joint of choice is, well, a joint.

 

The burger jockeys make you feel like a part of their family in the Andy Johnson way — with inexpensive prices and tons of fries, a large mouthwatering burger, and a cherry pop to wash it all down. The place is less of a restaurant and more of a burger pit to grab a slab on the run. Most beef seekers don’t even stop their engines when getting their eats to go. But picnic tables are available for folks like me, with no particular place to go.

 

Two patties of beef topped with two slices of cheese, bacon, tomato, onion, pickles, lettuce and dressing in the form of a bacon cheeseburger deluxe await the burger bound at the A&W. 

It’s a low-key joint for when Claire isn’t wearing your lunch or when the PB and J with the crusts cut off that Brian’s mom makes doesn’t fill the bill. To set the meal off, chug down a chocolate malt for a full-calorie fest that would make Brian’s wrestling knee finally give out.

 

A&W All American Restaurant can be found at 8442 Pacific Avenue in Tacoma.

 

The last of the burger palaces is the grandmother of them all in the South Sound. Frisko Freeze (1201 Division Ave. in Tacoma) is the place to go when you have missed a few days of eating because you’ve been out all night.

 

Some say the burgers are more bun than beef, but I find the balance rewarding. Burgers need buns. They are the grease towels of the meal and must be respected. My old man first took me to this ’50s drive-up long before he ever gave me that thoughtful gift of a cigar burn for spilling paint in the garage a few years back. Those were the days when I was his “junior” — before he started staying buzzed all the time. I eat here for the memories if not just for the food.

 

Life is more than burgers. My crowd of friends pitch a perch at Hell’s Kitchen (3829 Sixth Ave.). This isn’t Claire’s crowd. She doesn’t look at my friends, walk with my friends or condescend to speak to my friends. We should keep it that way. This hole in the wall rock bar is often filled with fishnet-wearing night people who wear all colors of the rainbow as long as the rainbow is all black. The attraction to this place isn’t the beer or the broads as much as it is the bands and the buds. The gang gnawing on nachos or Southwest pizza fills the days and runs into the nights when home is the last place you want to go.  

 

Maggie O’Toole’s Pub (100th and 59th Avenue in Lakewood) is another place to spend long hours  with beers and munchies. It’s a place no one hassles you if you want to just sit and sip rather than dine and dash. Just hanging out with a pint of beer is just fine at this dart-board bound tavern. It serves up a modest burger and other pub fare that is nothing like turkey pot pies my old man likes mom to cook for him when he’s about to sleep off a weekend of drinking beer and slapping me around. The day-shift crowd is laid back and working class, while the night crew know their duties — keep the brew pouring.