In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something better to do than hit refresh on Facebook instead of going back to work.

It's not the most important job, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano crime desk, along with booking the fire dancers and clowns in drag for the Volcano's upcoming 500th issue office party, it's our life's work.

This week's Ragnet takes us to Sumner, to a story I can't believe we didn't get to sooner.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

First, we suppose, an apology is in order. Every week the Volcano's official Bath Salts Addicted Team of Research Monkeys scours local papers and blogs for the dumbest of the dumb when it comes to criminal stupidity. I mean, these monkeys really work at it ... as hard as their monkey-sized, bath salts-addled brains will allow. Typically, they find the best of the best ... the real cream of the criminally dumb crop. They wouldn't have made the Volcano's official Bath Salts Addicted Team of Research Monkeys cut if they weren't good, after all.

However, sometimes those damn monkeys miss one, which seems to be the case with this story from late April.

According to an article in the April 27 issue of the News Tribune, a semi-truck driver was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving early April 26, not long after overturning his truck at the corner of 24th Street East and 142nd Avenue East in Sumner. The accident occurred at approximately 1:50 a.m., and according to reports blocked traffic until about noon, when two tow trucks finally pulled the truck upright. No one was hurt, but the wreck did take out a stop sign and a light pole.

Oh, and did we mention the semi was full of CHOCOLATE WINE!?!

We're not making this stuff up, people. And, in truth, you wouldn't believe us if we were making it up. It's a story almost too ridiculous to be true.

But it's true. Especially the part about the truck being full of chocolate wine.

The extenuating factors only make it hurt worse.

According to Sumner city spokeswoman Carmen Palmer, quoted by News Tribune staff writer Stacia Glen, "The truck odometer had 29 miles on it. It was a brand-new truck." Officials also told the Tribune the driver barely traveled a mile on this particular ill-fated trip before flipping the truck.

Talk about a bad day on the job.

To recap: semi-truck driver flips his new (only 29 miles on it) truck at 1:50 a.m. in Sumner of all places. He's drunk. The accident happens just a smidge over a mile after he took off. The truck is full of chocolate wine, which of course spills once the truck is flipped. The driver (of course) subsequently gets arrested for suspicion of DUI, and surely gets fired shortly thereafter.

According to reports, the Department of Ecology was called to the scene due to the wine spillage, but they quickly deferred the case to the Department of Ridiculously Decadent Dessert Booze. - Fat Pete, Chocolate Wine Related Correspondent