In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you find something to do other than let off random fireworks at odd hours of the day a week and a half (and counting) after the Fourth of July (looking at you, guy down the street).

This week's column takes us to Hawks Prairie, where things can get goofy.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

We've all seen gangster movies. We know that businesses sometimes act as "fronts" for sophisticated criminal operations. Sometimes it's a flower shop. Sometimes it's a strip club. Sometimes it's an auto-body garage.

And sometimes it's a low-level landscaping outfit.

According to reports by Jeremy Pawloski in the Olympian, a 21-year-old Hawks Prairie man stands accused of burglary, and authorities suspect it's a crime he's made a habit of. Angelo Gray, 21, is set to be arraigned next week, charged with burglarizing a home on Eagle Drive in Hawks Prairie June 27 - a residence he knows well from mowing the lawn.

Making matters more suspicious: Gray mowed the lawns at four other area homes where burglaries were recently reported. In court papers prosecutors say all of the burglaries happened while the homeowners were away for an extended period of time, and "(n)early all of the victims report having a male mow their yard and believe him to be a suspect."

The court papers cited by Pawloski paint a picture of the June 27 break-in, revealing that Gray alerted a neighbor to the burglary by saying he'd found the door open when he arrived to mow the lawn. In essence, he reported the crime himself.

Complicating matters for the alleged landscaping ne'er-do-well, Gray later copped to police that he was holding a 32-inch Sony television stolen from the home, but said a "drug dealer" (whose name he conveniently couldn't remember) had recently given it to him. Nice guy that he is, though, Gray did offer to return the TV.

During questioning, probably feeling the heat, Gray told police he knew the two people ACTUALLY responsible for the burglaries. He said one of them, a woman, was in possession of a ring stolen during the break-in.

Police eventually arrested the woman on suspicion of possession of stolen property, though as of this writing she had not been charged. For her part, she told authorities that she and her boyfriend had found the ring in the road and she'd pawned it for $200.

The icing on the criminally-inept cake: The woman's boyfriend, Joshua Saladen, was arrested Saturday on suspicion of tampering with a witness, second-degree assault and third-degree theft. Saladen allegedly attacked Gray with a knife in the street, called him a snitch and stole his skateboard. - Cisco "The Snow Queen" Morris