In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you find something better to do than try to figure out what's going to control your mind when there's not a huge-ass billboard five feet from your bedroom.

It's not the most important job, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, along with investing in gold, it's our life's work.

This week's column takes us to Richland, where the sad mixes with the funny sometimes.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Down and out

Gee whiz. Bleak week out there. Bleak few weeks, even. Bleak. Bleak. Bleak. Seems like every piece of news that's thrown my way is either a total bummer, or a total, total bummer. I'm honestly pretty sure the world is going to end any minute. At the rate things are going, it almost has to, doesn't it?

When things are tough, like they are now, and it seems like life is just one big shit sandwich, there's one simple fact I like to remind myself of - one cure-all remedy for the downers and doldrums.

At least I'm not a deteriorating alcoholic from Richland. (Repeat mantra as necessary.)

According to reports by the Tri-City Herald's Kristin M. Kraemer, 49-year-old Karl David Givens, of Richland, recently pled guilty to a felony charge of driving under the influence. He was sentenced to four years and three months - all of this coming after Givens's seventh DUI conviction. The charges for his most recent drunk driving escapade reached the felony level because Givens had four prior DUIs within the past 10 years. He also had two other DUIs before that.

According to court documents cited by Kraemer and the Herald, local police officer Brian Banner was off duty when he noticed a car rolling through Kennewick that was, "all over the roadway, swerving from fog line to skip line." Banner followed the vehicle, which court documents say proceeded to swerve across three lanes of traffic, enter onto Highway 240 and speed up to 90 mph while crossing over four lanes, exit the freeway and hit a curb twice before weaving across three lanes and crossing into oncoming traffic.

Here at the Volcano Crime Desk we're not entirely certain why the car was allowed to continue on as long as it did, but it sure makes for some good column fodder. Think how boring it would have been to stop the car after the first life-endangering act.

Of course, the careening car was eventually stopped, with Givens found behind the wheel. Court documents say the driver was, "stumbling and staggering with poor coordination, watery and bloodshot eyes, slurred speech and soiled pants," when removed from the vehicle. An involuntary blood draw later revealed Givens had a blood alcohol level of .18.

Just another alcoholic day in Richland.

Kraemer's story in the Herald says Givens's criminal record dates back to 1993 with convictions for DUI, first-degree burglary and possession of a controlled substance. - Jamie Jungers, Volcano DUI Crime Correspondent