In every issue of this fine rag our hack team of wannabe journalists tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you find something better to do than complain about how short this season of HBO's Curb your Enthusiasm was.

This week's column takes us to Seattle-Tacoma's International Airport, where a man was all too ready to grab a bite from the in-flight menu.

Enjoy. - Weekly Volcano 

Things get a little testy around lunchtime here at Weekly Volcano headquarters. Steph DeRosa refuses to answer non-food related emails. The Rev. McKinney unwittingly mutters phone numbers to local pizza joints. And God help anyone who even jokes about stealing Driscoll's peanut butter and honey sandwich from the fridge.  By 11:50 a.m., sugar levels have dropped to such dangerous lows that publisher Ron Swarner usually has to lock himself in his office, hiding in fear from his cranky worker bees.  

But no matter how cranky and hungry we become, no one here the Volcano has ever tried to take a bite out of someone else's arm.

Outside of the holiday party, at least.

This wasn't the case for one hungry passenger aboard Alaska Airlines Flight 108 on Sept 5. For him, the siren's call of the SeaTac Cinnabon was so strong that he was driven to chomp down a little early.

According to the Seattle Times, the early morning flight from Anchorage, Alaska to Seattle experienced smooth flying. It was only once the jet touched down that the comfortable decorum of the plane fell south.  Reports in the Times indicate that while Flight 108 taxied to the gate, 39-year-old passenger Jack Parlin stood up from his seat and rushed toward exit doors. The Times reports that Parlin tried frantically to force open the exit while the plane was rolling toward the gate.

Sadly, reports do not state whether Parlin was sitting next to a newborn baby with colic or a talkative elderly person during the flight - these being the only two acceptable causes of Temporary Airplane Insanity, or TAI. Damn Times, always forgetting to report on the important stuff.

Recognizing Parlin as a threat to the ambiance of the morning, heroic passengers and weary crewmembers quickly tackled and tried to subdue him.  But Parlin - a bear-hug knowledgeable Alaska native - didn't go down without a fight. During the ensuing melee, Parlin - certainly ravenous from the lack of in-flight peanuts - bit down on the flight's first officer.

Though the bite was painful (the Times­ reports the first officer was admitted to Highline Medical Center for treatment) the team of tacklers hung on long enough to sufficiently restrain Parlin and his appetite until police arrived. Parlin was booked into King County Jail on investigation of assault.

Unconfirmed reports from King County Jail indicate Parlin "devoured" his first jailhouse meal, quipping afterward that he "prefers his peas with a side of captain." Again, these reports are unconfirmed. 

All we have to say is luckily the first officer wasn't bitten by Volcano art critic Alec Clayton. You should see him chomp into his daily tofu burger.

Yeesh. - Pilot Dan Cooper, Air Traffic Related Crime Correspondent