In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job- we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something to do other than organize your local Wyclef for President of Haiti Facebook fan page. (Like!)

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

The list of stupid things people have done in the name of love - or after being scorned by love - is long and amazing. As history has shown, when our hearts are involved we have the capability to do some REALLY MORONIC SHIT.

For example, earlier this week a 47-year-old woman was arrested in Thurston County after allegedly attempting to burn down her ex-husband's home in the 4900 block of Beverly Drive. The incident took place in the wee hours of Monday morning, July 26.

According to reports, police arrested Kim Booth early Monday morning a short distance from a suspicious house fire. Police reportedly noticed she "reeked of gasoline" and had cuts all over her hands and neck.

That, and, well, um, Booth readily admitted she was trying to kill her ex-husband and his new, 36-year-old girlfriend.

That's usually enough to get you arrested.

Luckily, however, Booth was unsuccessful. According to accounts of the suspicious fire in The Olympian, not only were Booth's ex-husband and new girlfriend put at risk by the arson, but the girlfriend's two children - ages 7 and 14 - were also inside the house at the time the fire was set. The 14-year-old, a quick-witted girl, woke up to flames outside the home at approximately 1:43 a.m. and alerted her mother. After popping out of bed the mother looked out the window and saw the deck was on fire - as well as at least one other fire, separate from the deck.

Most importantly, though, the woman SAW BOOTH POURING GASOLINE on one of the fires and called 911.

Naturally, when Booth realized she'd been seen, she fled - and was arrested a short time later, as mentioned above. Even scarier, as it turns out Booth had set small fires at all possible exits of the home, hoping to trap her victims inside.

Luckily, Booth sucks at starting fires, apparently, as the first responding deputy was able to put the flames out with a fire extinguisher and usher the family to safety. The event was not without tragedy, however, as a Pontiac Grand Am sustained $5,000 worth of damage. - Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, Suspicious House Fire Crime Correspondent

Ka-Boom

Props to the Lakewood Police Department and the Pierce County Sheriff's Department's bomb disposal unit for handling what could have been a messy situation earlier this week.

According to reports, a sanitation worker discovered what appeared to be a homemade explosive - complete with exposed fuse - in a porta-potty at a Tacoma Public Utilities transfer station last Friday morning. The worker notified authorities, and after evacuating nearby businesses and securing the parameter, the bomb was rendered safe by the bomb squad.

According to published reports, Lakewood Assistant Police Chief Mike Zaro said the homemade bomb would have caused "considerable damage" to the Honey Bucket and anyone standing nearby.

And, of course, covered them in blue poop. Not sure what's worse. - Three Finger Willy, Homemade Explosives Crime Correspondent